Reflections

I seem to have a running theme. Change. I've been thinking about it again in the last week or so. Over the last month or more, I've been trying to determine the next step in my life. I've often struggled with knowing exactly where I need to be and where the Lord needs me to be. I think I've done well so far. About 7 years ago, I was nowhere near where I wanted to be. I was 19 years old and living in Calgary with my boyfriend. I was extremely unhappy and I hadn't been to church in a while. I had already had experiences behind me that changed my life and perspective, however, they were acquired in ways that I wish on no one. I won't go into detail, but I will say that my eyes were opened to the world in a very big way. Well, 7 years ago this month something happened that also changed the world and that was 9/11. I remember calling my mom scared out of my mind thinking that this was the end. I asked her what the prophet said about it, since that October happened to be the semi-annual conference for our church. She told me that I had no need to worry but she took that opportunity to remind me that I needed to go back to church. Up to that time in my life the only reason I wasn't active in the church was my own pride. I truly believed in what the church teaches because I'd had experiences already that helped my testimony grow but I felt unworthy and "not good enough". I didn't feel that I was or ever could be what was expected of me. Or, what I thought was expected of me. Living in Calgary, I had but a few friends, none of which were members or even understood my need for religion. I had no money and I was in a one way relationship. I struggled to keep food on our table and our rent paid since he found it difficult to keep a job. Eventually I found myself with the missionaries on my doorstep and my mothers and my prayers being answered. I began going back to church and changing my life. It wasn't easy, but eventually I was able to leave my boyfriend and lived with members for a while until I was able to get back on my feet. After a few months, I moved back to Lethbridge.

As many people know, I never graduated high school. I moved to Alberta when I was 17 and due to many factors, I did not have the privilege of graduating high school with the rest of my peers. In 2003, I found out that the government has a program for people who have been out of school at least 4 years and I took the steps necessary to begin the stages of going to school. In december 2004, I walked with my college peers and recieved my Academic Achievement Certificate from Lethbridge Community College. I remember tears streaming down my face as I watched the look on my younger brother's face as he proudly watched his sister walk out of the gymnasium with certificate in hand. I will never forget that day. Anyway, getting back on track, I began the Child and Youth Care program in January 2005. I did that for about year before deciding to take a break. I didn't feel ready to do any practicums due to other factors in my life at the time. I've been working ever since. During that time I've changed jobs as I've struggled to find the place the Lord needs me to be. I've worked mall jobs, video stores and, more recently, a call center. In 2006, I had the privilege of being an EFY councillor and watching the youth I was responsible for grow and have spiritual experiences they will forever cherish. They don't realize the effect they had in my life. I am nearing the end of 2008 and I've just begun a new phase in my life. Last month I lost my job to outsourcing overseas and tomorow I will be doing an exam to be a level 1 insurance agent for AMA (Alberta Motorized Association). Though I feel that this is where I need to be right now, I've still been praying and trying to decide what's next. AMA, school, or a mission?

Last thursday night I went to an institute class. For those reading this who aren't LDS, institute is a religious institution where we have a choice of different classes that help enrich our lives spiritually and where we are able to delve into the scriptures with other students and young adults. This particular class is aimed towards those people who are preparing to serve a mission for our church. That night as we were being enriched, I got the impression that I should ask our teacher for a blessing. A blessing is something that priesthood holders in our church give us, sometimes for healing, other times for comfort and counsel from the Lord. This particular blessing was for comfort and counsel. As Brent laid his hands on my head to give me the blessing, I was given direction and cousel I'd been needing and asking for. There were other things addressed I'd been pondering, but did not expect counsel for. However, it was very much needed. By the end of the blessing, both Brent and I were in tears. The spirit was powerful in the room that night.

As I ponder my experience that night, I can't help but be grateful with the knowledge that we have a Father in Heaven who knows us, hears us and loves us. He had things he needed me to know and I'm glad I was able to listen to the spirit's gentle whisper telling me to ask Brent for the blessing. He told me things that will help me make the choices I need to make. I still don't know my next step, though I have an idea. I know that I'm making the necessary steps that will help me in whatever the Lord has planned.