Today is really just another day in Calgary. This morning I woke up and the same storm that has been raging since sometime yesterday morning is still raging. Last night I stayed in, watched some movies and wished I still had some hot chocolate with whipped cream left. That has been my latest indulgence! And I am not ashamed. The few extra calories has been worth it.
My mind is running a mile a minute, as it does nearly everyday. On days like today, I find myself either catching up on movies on movie central or reading a good book. Or cleaning. But when my mind isn't otherwise occupied, I find myself reminiscing on my life and the direction it has taken. I find myself wondering how I got to where I am today. For the most part, I'm happy. Or so I'd like to trick myself into thinking. I have a great job, great co-workers and wonderful friends and family (though they live far away mostly).
Despite the good in my life, I still feel like I'm at a fork in the road and I don't know which road to take. I'm not who I thought I would be. I'm also not what others would like me to be and I don't have the drive or confidence to do what I want to do. I don't drink or party and I'm not the perfect "Mormon" girl. What I mean by that is that I'm not the girl who grew up LDS who has everything laid out for me. I didn't go to BYU and at 28 years old, I am nowhere near becoming a housewife and starting a family like most of my friends have done. I'm still single, not dating and I take every day in stride. I have dreams but they are just dreams. I'm not the person I was hoping I would be. Since I was young, I have wanted a family. I wanted to be that woman who got married before 25 and already starting a family. That's what I want. Yet, I don't have the drive to do what it takes to do that. Because of how I've been treated all my life by people close to me, I've got trust issues that keep me from getting close to anyone that isn't already a part of my life and I don't know how to change my perspective.
Tomorrow I will wake up and probably shovel my walk from all this snow. I'll probably clean some more, watch a movie and read some of the book I'm currently reading. Perhaps I'll run some errands, go to the gym and reminisce some more. I'll do that because that is my life. Maybe one day I'll meet someone who will change my perspective on life, if I'm lucky enough. Maybe I won't. I don't know. But until then, I'll keep on trying to find a way to start believing in love and life again.
1 comment:
I second the "great co-workers" bit!
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